US Senate Breaks into Song

GUN-TOTING CHORISTER JAZZ TWEMLOW HAS MORE…

In a spontaneous moment sure to go viral and bring millions to tears, members of the US Senate broke into song when the the latest gun-control bill was voted down, assuring easy-access weaponry without the need for troublesome background checks that would weed out psychopaths.

It began when the results were read out, signalling to the United States that people with an unstable mental health background would still be able to buy guns with limited or no background checks. Clearly the good news was too much for those in attendance, and soon song broke out amongst the senators.

When the darkening realisation swept across the room that the earliest that ammendments can be made might be as late as 2016, the chorus split into 3-part harmony, the aural beauty ascending to heights matched only by the transcendent and inevitable violence that can still be wrought for the next 3 years.

There were some that thought the singing was a little distasteful, especially considering that, only yesterday, New Zealand parliament broke into song in celebration of the legalisation of Abomination-Marriage, but such was the awe felt by all those in the US Senate witnessing this beautiful moment in history.

Police Seize Haul of Ancient Pre-Cursor to Torrents

GENUINE ARTICLE, JAZZ TWEMLOW, HAS MORE…

Following raids in Sydney’s north-west, police today announced an impressive haul of $20m worth of “DVDs”. The curious shiny discs, of no apparent use to modern humans, were found at a factory in Kings Park and at a home in Marayong.

While some anthropologists hazarded a guess that the discs might have been of ornamental value to tribes of city-dwellers in the 90s, the generally accepted theory is that these discs were an ancient way of transferring pirated information; a pre-cursor to the movie-mules of the late 90s who smuggled thousands of dollars’ worth of movies on USB’s up their anuses.

Thanks to archeological research we now know that with the introduction of torrents, movie piracy went the way of breasts and people’s social skills by becoming entirely electronic, rendering DVDs and the pirating of them utterly obsolete. Nevertheless, people in their 30s have now inadvertently become the owners of historical real-estate, choosing to keep their troves of DVDs in folded plastic sleeves under the bed, or as a bookend on bookshelves that no longer contain any actually printed books. Police are operating under the working theory that this DVD shipment must have, therefore, been heading to some sort of black market museum.

Along with the haul of DVDs, police also found “printed documents” and vast amounts of “cash”, two other physical mediums that have researchers baffled as to their intended use.

All Technology Still Found to Run on Fossilised Trees

TYPING ON A COMPUTER POWERED ENTIRELY BY ANCIENT ANIMAL REMAINS, JAZZ TWEMLOW HAS THIS…

The IEA called an emergency meeting this month when a recent report was published suggesting that all our slender, shiny pieces of technology were still running on the petrified remains of ancient trees. It had been assumed that the sleek design of all our Apple products and home appliances, that project an image of near-futuristic coolness, ran on something really clean and beautiful, like solar rays gently cascading over the Earth’s surface, a form of energy that brainless plants are capable of harnessing.

Looking dumbfounded as she read notes from her coal-powered iPad, Maria van der Hoeven, head of the IEA, admitted that she was “totally shocked. I can’t believe that even my 3D television with digital surround sound is basically fuelled entirely by a 2-million-year-old tree, and possibly even rotted animal skeletons.”

Panic spread throughout the crowd, as journalists recording voice memos on their smartphones, camera crews shooting in HD digital video beaming live to satellites, realised that everything they were holding was powered completely by dead things from a prehistoric earth they would not recognise.

“It’s really rather odd that energy companies have failed to tell us they were using such a bizarre form of energy-generation. I mean, really… is a calcified tyrannosaurus something that should be powering my fucking iCloud?”

Further revelations quickly followed, such as the human race’s equally bizarre dependence on pockets of near-inaccessible gas hidden under the earth’s crust, and energy somehow extracted from violently radioactive materials that can also be used to wipe entire human cities off the face of the infinitely-abundant-solar-energy bombarded earth.

As with cigarettes, all technology will now come with simple warnings such as “This smartphone is not as advanced as you think; it’s actually running on buried Triassic herbivores… right now.”

MAN APPARENTLY CARRYING FLOWERS FOR NO ONE.

FIRST ON THE SCENE, JAMES COLLEY WANTED BUT DIDN’T GET THE FLOWERS.

Witness reports emerging from Pitt Street Sydney are indicating the flowers a local man made a big show of buying are apparently for no one.

Incoming information suggests the man has been wandering back and forth for some time now, checking his watch and looking to the distance. Initial reports that the man had been stood up have now been confirmed as false.

“At first I just felt bad for the guy,” said onlooker Charles Tran. “But something about what he was doing seemed weird. It was as if he wasn’t actually waiting for anyone.”

Though his identity has yet to be confirmed, witnesses have report the man on multiple occasions offering the flowers to various strangers only to feign embarrassment loudly proclaiming he thought they were someone else.

Police say the man seems essentially harmless, if existentially upsetting to all in the area.

“There are some questions we’ll never know the answers to,” said Sergeant Louis. “Why did he shout so loudly, to no one, that he was going to splurge on two dozen roses? Why won’t he break eye contact with passers by? Is this art or protest or protest art?” 

The local flower business, though appreciative of his purchase, seemed equally unaware of the man’s motives.

“When I asked who to make out the card to he seemed to pause,” said florist Annable Lens. “He stumbled through the first syllables of a few different names before finally settling on a message.”

“He asked me to write ‘TO LOVE’ on the card,” she reported.

UPDATE: Unconfirmed reports man is eating the flowers. More as this develops.

RELATED: VALENTINE’S DAY JUST ABOUT COMMERCIALISM, NATION COMPLAINS VIA IPHONES.

Pope Resigns After Refusing to Literally Believe in Shit

SENTIENT COLLECTION OF MOLECULES, JAZZ TWEMLOW, HAS THIS.

Religious folk around the world were left wondering whether or not it was worth keeping up their silly pretence today, when the Pope offered his resignation in light of the fact that scientists have finally explained everything apart from why poo is brown.

With the origins of the universe, space, and time explained, as well as where we get our morals - thus providing a perfect code for how to lead a good life - religious people have been left with nothing but the colour of faecal matter as the last refuge of all of their gods.

The Pope had hoped that the final “gap” for religion to hide in would have been “How does amoral matter produce moral beings?”. There were tense moments when it was only that query and the Hy-Poothesis remaining to be explained, with the Pope’s closest staff keeping vigil outside Royal Society offices awaiting  the announcement as to which thing would remain a mystery.

There were audible screams heard coming from the papal apartment in the Vatican when the Royal Society revealed that the final gap left in science was the puzzling tint of humanity’s odorous excrement.

Standing on a balcony, his facial expression barely concealing his utter lack of faith in his own words, The Pope read from a sheet, several guns held by rich televangelists pointed at his head: “Science still can’t explain everything. Without God, how… do you… how… ummm… how do you explain the mystery of… *sigh* the divine colour of the solid excrement that comes out of our Holiest of Holies?”

Shortly after making the attempt to bolster people’s faith, his Holiness wrote his resignation, tossed a Bible at a christening, and then headed to a bookshop, hiding in a child-like fort built from copies of Richard Dawkins’ “The God Delusion”.

All Sports Accolades Given to Only Drug-Free Man

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DRUG-FREE FOR AT LEAST 37 MINUTES, EWEN HOLLINGSWORTH HAS THIS…

A local man who plays in third grade for Sydney rugby league team Newtown Jets has been awarded every NFL and AFL accolade back dated to 2000 when it was proven he was the only person in either sport who was drug free. In a private ceremony in his backyard, John Ivanhoe was given every personal accolade possible as well as all premiership trophies for both sports. 

Following the report into drug use by the ACC the governing bodies for both the NRL and AFL were quick to investigate illegal activities in their own codes. Both were stunned to realise that every player was heavily using performance-enhancing drugs. Both were left with little option but to strip these people of all their awards. 

Left with no one to receive their codes’ trophies and awards both NFL and AFL were forced to look for another recipient. That person was 34 year old John from Marrickville. Mr Ivanhoe is the only person in either code who has played the sport at either an amateur or professional level and has not used drugs during this period. Both codes were quick to praise the athletic prowess of the morbidly obese and diabetic Sydney-sider. ‘Having won 13 Brownloe medals straight makes him our greatest player ever’ said an AFL spokesperson. This success in AFL is even more surprising considering Mr Ivanhoe has never played the game, let alone watched it, in his entire life.

Sponsors have been quick to flock to this sporting superstar with Swisse Multi-Vitamin dumping all their sponsors and replacing them with John. 

At print the UCI had awarded John 10 straight Tour de Frances as he once rode a fixie bike around Newtown.