May 2013
1 post
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April 2013
2 posts
US Senate Breaks into Song
GUN-TOTING CHORISTER JAZZ TWEMLOW HAS MORE…
In a spontaneous moment sure to go viral and bring millions to tears, members of the US Senate broke into song when the the latest gun-control bill was voted down, assuring easy-access weaponry without the need for troublesome background checks that would weed out psychopaths.
It began when the results were read out, signalling to the United States...
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Police Seize Haul of Ancient Pre-Cursor to...
GENUINE ARTICLE, JAZZ TWEMLOW, HAS MORE…
Following raids in Sydney’s north-west, police today announced an impressive haul of $20m worth of “DVDs”. The curious shiny discs, of no apparent use to modern humans, were found at a factory in Kings Park and at a home in Marayong.
While some anthropologists hazarded a guess that the discs might have been of ornamental value to...
March 2013
3 posts
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February 2013
6 posts
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All Technology Still Found to Run on Fossilised...
TYPING ON A COMPUTER POWERED ENTIRELY BY ANCIENT ANIMAL REMAINS, JAZZ TWEMLOW HAS THIS…
The IEA called an emergency meeting this month when a recent report was published suggesting that all our slender, shiny pieces of technology were still running on the petrified remains of ancient trees. It had been assumed that the sleek design of all our Apple products and home appliances, that...
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MAN APPARENTLY CARRYING FLOWERS FOR NO ONE.
FIRST ON THE SCENE, JAMES COLLEY WANTED BUT DIDN’T GET THE FLOWERS.
Witness reports emerging from Pitt Street Sydney are indicating the flowers a local man made a big show of buying are apparently for no one. Incoming information suggests the man has been wandering back and forth for some time now, checking his watch and looking to the distance. Initial reports that the man had been stood up...
Pope Resigns After Refusing to Literally Believe...
SENTIENT COLLECTION OF MOLECULES, JAZZ TWEMLOW, HAS THIS.
Religious folk around the world were left wondering whether or not it was worth keeping up their silly pretence today, when the Pope offered his resignation in light of the fact that scientists have finally explained everything apart from why poo is brown.
With the origins of the universe, space, and time explained, as well as where we...
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All Sports Accolades Given to Only Drug-Free Man
DRUG-FREE FOR AT LEAST 37 MINUTES, EWEN HOLLINGSWORTH HAS THIS…
A local man who plays in third grade for Sydney rugby league team Newtown Jets has been awarded every NFL and AFL accolade back dated to 2000 when it was proven he was the only person in either sport who was drug free. In a private ceremony in his backyard, John Ivanhoe was given every personal accolade...
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Found: Only Person Who Uses Facebook to...
FACEBOOK SAVANT, EWEN HOLLINGSWORTH, EGOTISTICALLY TAGS HIMSELF IN THIS ARTICLE
Researchers from the University of Sydney were celebrating today when they discovered the first, and possibly only, person who uses Facebook to genuinely keep in touch with friends. The find comes after an almost decade long research project and millions of Facebook stalkers.
Amy Lee, 29, from Perth, has been...
January 2013
8 posts
7 tags
Australians Outraged! Just Not Sure at What
ANGRY FOR NO REASON, EWEN HOLLINGSWORTH WRITES…
People across the nation took to the streets of all capital cities today, citing outrage as the reason for their protests. A Rational Fear tried asking them the cause of their anger, but their furious screams and flying spittle made it difficult to discern just what they were unhappy about.
The outrage began earlier in the week when someone...
6 tags
Labor and Liberal Parties Having Affair
POLITICAL RELATIONS CORRESPONDENT, EWEN HOLLINGSWORTH, REPORTS ON THE LOVE STORY OF A LIFE-TIME
Liberal and Labor party spokespeople announced today that the two parties have been having an affair since the last Federal election in 2010. The announcement came just as the two parties were about to fly off for a romantic getaway in Byron Bay. The affair sees the breakup of two of Australia’s most...
SMH - EXTRA EXTRA! Just Something Someone Said!
PERSON WITH AN OPINION, ALICE FRASER HAS SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THE NEW APPLE PRODUCT LINE.
The Sydney Morning Herald has reported that “Apple is working on a more affordable version of the iPhone that would sell for as little as $300 and could be released as early as the middle of this year, according to reports.”
Reading further into the article, the evidence the SMH reporter, who...
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Australian Government Declares War On Climate...
NON-RECYCLING PETROL JUNKIE, EWEN HOLLINGSWORTH, REPORTS ON HOW THE GOVERNMENT INTENDS TO PUNISH THE ENVIRONMENT INTO SUBMISSION
In a shock announcement this afternoon, Julia Gillard, alongside Minister of Defence Stephen Smith, announced her intention to wage a war on the environment after 50 were killed in a severe heat wave across the nation. Plans had been to appease the environment through...
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Seal of Approval for Logies Best New Talent
CLICK HERE TO VOTE FOR SEAL HERE
Former Seal keyboardist, Seaton Kay-Smith, shows his Support
With the announcement of the 2013 Logie nominations the social media world is abuzz with news that Seal has been nominated for Most Popular New Male Talent.
For many, the unknown Seal’s inclusion in the Logie nominations comes as a surprise; but for those who know Seal, his nomination is a given.
“A...
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What Women Want
ALICE FRASER TAKES TO TASK ANOTHER BLOGGER WITH FACTS AND JOKES. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT COUNTS.
Okay - this is going to be both late and an overreaction. Kate Hunter, who is a fine writer and journalist published an article online in early December. The problem for me is it repeats a form i have trouble with. To sum up, the article deals with questions men generally can’t answer about their...
December 2012
6 posts
10 tags
14 Worst-case Instagram Advertising Scenarios
Birth Control
Adhesives
Special people
Jenny Craig
Lapband Surgery
STI’s
Planned Parenthood
Tinea cream
hotline
Auditions for the arts
Virigns
Legal Services
Pope Finally Joins Trolling Community
SOCIAL MEDIA AND FICTIONAL BOLLOCKS CORRESPONDENT, EWEN HOLLINGSWORTH, IS NOW A FOLLOWER.
In a rare display of keeping up with the times, the head of the Catholic Church, Pope Benedict XVI, joined Twitter. Although many believed the act was designed to increase his ability to communicate with Catholics across the globe, the Pope has instead used his account to troll other twitter users forcing...
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Mass Murder in Connecticut brings joy to 2DAY FM...
NOT AN IMPERSONATION, BUT THE ACTUAL GENUINE NINA OYAMA BRINGS US THIS STORY.
Infamous prank call bandits, Australian radio hosts Mel Grieg and Michael Christian, have revealed that they smiled upon reading about the deaths of 20 children in America’s most recent massacre.
The controversial 2day FM duo recently came under fire from the British and Australian media for causing the death of...
US Troops Beg Not to be Sent Back to Warzone Back...
RIGHTFULLY UNABLE TO PURCHASE A GUN, JAZZ TWEMLOW BRINGS US THIS STORY.
Attention was drawn away from the crisis in the Middle East earlier this week, when the UN finally stepped in to the fractious bloodbath of the heavily militarised zone known as The United States.
“The casualties are just astounding” said Ban Ki Moon at the UN’s crisis meeting. “While US troops in...
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A Rational Fear Live - End of the Year Special...
A Rational Fear’s End Of The Fear Special Suck It Mayans we made it! Sydney’s number one satirical comedy night is back at the FBi Social to see off the year 2012 with classless aplomb.
Some of Australia best comedian talent tackle topical issues head on without fear nor favour. Part panel show, part soap box, part interview show, it’s like Q AndA on schoolies. Join MC Dan...
November 2012
21 posts
Pensioner Accidentally Sends Longest Tweet Ever
WOEFULLY SHORT TWEETER, JAZZ TWEMLOW, LOOKS AT THE STUNNING NEW RECORD
98-year-old Toby Smithington woke up today to a surprise visit from some of the world’s most avid tweeters on his front lawn, desperate to learn how he had managed to write the world’s longest tweet.
Guinness Officials were also on the scene to confirm that Mr. Smithington was indeed the author of the tweet, which...
Gillard Forgets 90s - World Jealous.
SEATON KAY-SMITH FORGETS THIS ARTICLE HE WROTE 20 YEARS AGO
Julia Gillard has again addressed parliament with the worrying fact that she cannot recall receiving a bank payment in 1995. With so much at stake in terms of the economy, human rights and international relations, how can we trust someone who can’t even remember a banking transaction from 17 years ago? Since the story broke, people have...
Defence apologies to all ‘sissy-girls’ who were...
AUSTRALIA, CANBERRA – It a rare act of contrition the Australian Defence Force today issued an apology to the ‘softies’ who couldn’t ‘hack some good old-fashioned fun.’ Following on from the Federal Government’s apology the ADF took time out of hosing first years rooms and giving them wedgies apologise for past wrongs. The apology comes after a Government review received over 750 allegations of...
NRL bans shoulder charge, replaces with baseball...
SYDNEY, NEW SOUTH WALES – In a strange twist, the NRL has authorised the use of baseball bats in the NRL in order to placate disgruntled NRL players. Professionals of the game were left aghast last night when the ruling body of rugby league banned the shoulder charge from every level of the game. Long regarded as a sign of the game’s aggressive nature, the shoulder charge has been banned for...
NSW Police Commissioner orders cast of Lord of the...
NSW Police Commissioner Andre Scipione has today ordered that the characters of Lord of the Flies will control all NSW police duties, effectively immediately. The drastic change to the NSW police hierarchy came just hours after Coroner Mary Jerram handed down her scathing critique of NSW police officer’s involvement in the death of Roberto Curti. Jerram’s review noted the acts of the police...
Hawkins replaces Murdoch as Next Top Model host...
Man instagrams a photo with all Instagram filters...
BONDI, NEW SOUTH WALES – A 23 year old man was praised by the local Bondi community yesterday when he successfully instagramed a picture with all 13 Instagram digital filters.
Last night Tristan Harper, a long time user of photo-sharing social platform, successfully managed to put an Instagram filter onto an already instagramed picture. ‘To be honest, I was pretty amazed by it,’ Tristan explained....
Middle East conflict blamed on dispute over...
Private Schoolboy gets top with top tier law firm
MOSMAN, SYDNEY – In a move that shocked many pundits, Andrew Jones, 24, was given the only cadetship in top tier law firm, Jones Howarth Ryan. Apparently the most competitive position for all graduating lawyers, Jones was as surprised as many when he was informed late yesterday afternoon of his selection.
Over 1000 people applied for the job but it was the credit-average Jones who took out the top...
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Clive Palmer’s Life-Size Mel, Sign of the...
LIFE-SIZED REPLICA OF SEATON KAY-SMITH, SEATON KAY-SMITH II, REPORTS ON CLIVE PALMER’S SPATE OF MOVIE RECREATIONS
Plans were unveiled at a media launch on Monday that mining magnate and eccentric billionaire, Clive Palmer, would build a life-size version of Mel Gibson. “It’s irresponsible,” suggested one critic, “Mel Gibson is a dangerous man, the Titanic sank in 1912 with 1500 people on...
France Condemns Citizens to Apocalypse
SURE-TO-SOON-BE-DESTROYED, SEATON KAY-SMITH EXPLORES FRENCH REACTIONS TO OUR NOW GUARANTEED OBLIVION.
The French government has announced it will not be granting access to Pic de Bugarach, a mountain many believe to be the only place which will survive the Mayan apocalypse on 21st of December, when Pic de Bugarach will supposedly open and alien spacecraft will fly from its top to save French...
Palestine Continues to Steal Explosions from...
FAIR AND BALANCED REPORTER, JAZZ TWEMLOW, REPORTS ON THE MALADY AFFLICTING ISRAEL.
It’s a quiet and almost eerily peaceful scene in Sderot, a town close to an area that remains the focus of much of the world’s attention, but it is a silence indicative of a terrible problem afflicting the people of Israel; someone is stealing their explosions.
While diplomacy is a key issue in the...
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Priesthood Successfully Protects Public from Awful...
A REPORT WE CAN’T PUBLISH, WRITTEN IN A CONFESSION BOOTH BY SECRETIVE CHURCH CORRESPONDENT, JAZZ TWEMLOW
In a public day of celebration, people of Australia today took time out to thank the Roman Catholic Church for protecting them from the terrible truth that priests have to deal with every day.
“It’s an incredible strain” George Pell bravely admitted this morning at a...
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Cardinal George Pell's new book of Protocols
Cardinal George Pell with a booklet detailing the Catholic Church’s protocols for dealing with allegations of sexual abuse. The protocol states that if priests confess during reconciliation that the confession must remain a secret. So we’ve come up with a few other helpful books that George Pell can pass onto his clergy.
How To Win Friends and Influence Children
The Seven Habits Of Highly...
St Johns College celebrates US election by burning...
Republican leadership purchase Scandinavia to...
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Gerard Henderson alleges ABC cabal engaged in...
According to Gerard Henderson, The executive director of the Sydney Institute, “The Q&A program - and its audience - are a bellwether for the ABC’s worldview.” He then went on to say that, “On Q&A on June 14, 2010, a final comment by philosopher Peter Singer, in which he described sexual relations between a woman and a dog as “harmless”, was treated with...
INXS breakup, Eclipse and Royal Commission signs...
Cardinal George Pell, the country’s foremost Catholic, has fronted the media to warn the public of the impending Rapture. Three random events over the past 24 hours have compelled Pell to announce the End of Days.
Pell’s concerns were raised last night when INXS announced their breakup last night in a concert in Perth. A long time fan of the rock group, having had them play their classic hit...
Channel Ten replaces 'Breakfast' with 'Three hours...
Channel Ten confirmed today they have abandoned their attempts into early morning television by cancelling Breakfast. Acknowledging that the show had failed to reinvent the genre, Channel Ten has replaced it with Three hours of being sexist and racist with Paul Henry.
Having tried and failed to mould their feisty New Zealand import around the breakfast show format, Channel Ten have decided to give...
October 2012
5 posts
LucasFilm Acquired by Adult Studio
FORMER BLUE MOVIE EXTRA, JAZZ TWEMLOW, HAS MORE…
In a move that horrified Star Wars fans, Lucas Film was today purchased by Disney for $4bn. However, in an unexpected twist that restored fans’ faith, Disney was then subsequently bought out on the same day by adult studio Vivid Entertainment, meaning the pornographic powerhouse now has the rights to the Star Wars franchise, including...
America Braces ahead of Impending Election
POLITICAL METEOROLOGIST, JAZZ TWEMLOW, REPORTS ON THE PHENOMENON HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THE STATES
People across the United States are closing the shutters on their windows and clambering into their basements as they prepare for the unprecedented amount of Election about to sweep across the nation.
Political Meteorologists have warned that, due to the vast amounts of hot air being expelled over the...
