A Rational Fear

Found: Only Person Who Uses Facebook to Genuinely Keep in Touch with People

FACEBOOK SAVANT, EWEN HOLLINGSWORTH, EGOTISTICALLY TAGS HIMSELF IN THIS ARTICLE

Researchers from the University of Sydney were celebrating today when they discovered the first, and possibly only, person who uses Facebook to genuinely keep in touch with friends. The find comes after an almost decade long research project and millions of Facebook stalkers.

Amy Lee, 29, from Perth, has been declared as possibly the only person on Facebook who doesn’t use it to either stalk or compare herself to her friends. ‘I thought that’s what everyone did!’ Ms Lee declared when the researchers contacted her. Researchers were stunned when Ms Lee said she was actually interested in the lives of her 24 friends on Facebook. ‘I look at engagement and birthday photos and I actually congratulate people. I also actually like looking at people’s holiday photos and those really funny e-card memes.’*

Head researcher, Ivan Kovic, was initially concerned this was hoax but after viewing Amy’s habits online he was convinced that she was not jealous of, nor stalked, anyone. ‘Her ex got married to a supermodel and she used the ‘:D’ emoticon. You wouldn’t use that smiley face if you weren’t telling the truth.’

Unfortunately after the research was completed things took turned bad for Amy. Last weekend she saw photos from a house party her best friend hosted to which she hadn’t been invited. It was the first time Amy did not like a single photo in a photo album.

 *Editorial Note: Those e-card memes aren’t that funny

Australians Outraged! Just Not Sure at What

ANGRY FOR NO REASON, EWEN HOLLINGSWORTH WRITES…

People across the nation took to the streets of all capital cities today, citing outrage as the reason for their protests. A Rational Fear tried asking them the cause of their anger, but their furious screams and flying spittle made it difficult to discern just what they were unhappy about.

The outrage began earlier in the week when someone said something insensitive to someone else. People then heard about this insensitive comment,  viewing related opinions on social media sites, which made the comment go viral. Supporters of the outrageous statement were outraged because those people who were outraged had no right to be outraged as it was every person’s right to make outrageous statements.

The outrage continued to build throughout the week, crescendoing in demonstrations in all major capital cities, and Canberra. When asked what she was outraged about, protester Angela Cristie said ‘I’m outraged because people were being outrageous. Their behaviour is just so outrageous!’ Fellow protester Brian McDonald agreed, ‘People think they can just continue with their outrageous attitude. It’s insensitivity like this that is making me outraged.’ When pressed about their specific concerns protesters simply claimed it was outrageous to suggest they needed a reason.

Both major political parties have blamed the other for the outrage: the liberals have blamed the carbon tax while labour has blamed Abbott. 

Labor and Liberal Parties Having Affair

POLITICAL RELATIONS CORRESPONDENT, EWEN HOLLINGSWORTH, REPORTS ON THE LOVE STORY OF A LIFE-TIME

Liberal and Labor party spokespeople announced today that the two parties have been having an affair since the last Federal election in 2010. The announcement came just as the two parties were about to fly off for a romantic getaway in Byron Bay. The affair sees the breakup of two of Australia’s most famous relationships - Labour and the Greens and Liberals and Nationals.

The two parties apparently met online in late 2010, just after the last Federal election. Having both tried their luck with independents, the parties looked online for love: ‘At first it was just a bit of fun but the more we started talking with the Labor party the more we saw we had so much in common’ Liberal frontbencher Christopher Pyne explains. With similar views on refugees, social security and Kevin Rudd, the parties began seeing each other in secret. ‘First it was just a coffee at Parliament House but before you knew it we were going looking for porn together in Fyshwick [the pornographic centre of Canberra].’

Although the parties tried to hide their love by being overly aggressive in Question Time, their respective partners began to be suspicious. National members noted that ‘It was obvious they wanted everyone to think they hated each other. I mean why else would they fight about the most mundane things? Plus the old Speaker was sexting anyone with a mobile.’

The announcement has seen the Greens and Nationals partnerless. The Australian sex party had no comment on the affair.

SMH - EXTRA EXTRA! Just Something Someone Said!

PERSON WITH AN OPINION, ALICE FRASER HAS SOMETHING TO SAY ABOUT THE NEW APPLE PRODUCT LINE.

The Sydney Morning Herald has reported that “Apple is working on a more affordable version of the iPhone that would sell for as little as $300 and could be released as early as the middle of this year, according to reports.”

Reading further into the article, the evidence the SMH reporter, who apparently gets paid for his job, has used to support this claim is that someone at a mid tier analyst firm completely unrelated to Apple in any way, said they thought it was a good idea.

I met an analyst once, and he was an idiot. Basically, when the SMH said “Apple is working on a more affordable version of the iPhone that would sell for as little as $300 and could be released as early as the middle of this year, according to reports.”, what they meant was, “Wouldn’t it be cool if Apple was working on a more affordable version of the iPhone that would sell for as little as $300 and could be released as early as the middle of this year, according to reports.”

The piece links to a Wall St Journal article that is only slightly closer to anything resembling fact: “Apple has been considering a less-expensive iPhone since at least 2009, viewing it as a way to grab market share and introduce people to the brand, said people familiar with the efforts.” A spokesperson for the company declined to comment. 

I think until I hear something from an Apple spokesperson or someone with a name that isn’t ‘relevant person, briefed in the matter’, I’m going to class this news story under the category of: some old lady on a bus said “children these days should wear hats like we used to have to where’s the respect”, okay? Okay.

As you were.