End Of The World?….. I wish!
Writer and filmmaker Lewis Hobba outlines some of the benefits of the apocalypse.
2012 was going to be biggest year yet, because it was supposed to be our last. The apocalypse was coming. Predicted by the Mayans. Directed by Michael Bay. All the signs were there: nuclear meltdowns, economic crises, the new facebook timeline. Then few months ago an asteroid ominously named ‘DA14’ turned up on satellites and looked to be heading in a very ‘us-like’ direction. You might not have heard of DA14. A lot of people played it down. We’ve had asteroid scares before. But like season 2 of Celebrity Apprentice: no matter how hard we tried to ignore it, it kept coming. Then last week scientists decided that DA14 would miss us by about 27000 kilometres. And everyone rejoiced. Except me. I realise being disappointed the world won’t be wiped out isn’t exactly what you’d call ‘glass half full’ - but I think people are ignoring some of the end of the world’s obvious upsides. First - We all work better with a deadline. If I knew it was all about to end, I’d get a lot done very quickly. Sure, some of those things would be killing and looting. But also; I’d tell my family how much I love them, I’d strip naked and run through the desert, I’d dance like nobody’s watching. Then I’d go to Adelaide, and I’d ‘dahnce’ like nobody was watching. Then I’d go on Channel 10’s breakfast show, and I’d dance, and nobody would be watching. Second – nothing unites people like a common enemy. Today Tonight viewers all hate Muslims. Bogans all hate hipsters. Hipsters all hate second albums. But these petty grudges are what’s wrong with society today - what would really bring the whole world together is something we can all hate. Like a giant asteroid heading right for us. Everything John Lennon sang about in Imagine would come true. The world would live as one. Just not for very long. For the first time I would find common ground with commenters on news.com articles. Yes, ‘whiteaustralia78’, I agree! This government should do something about the asteroid! Well no, ‘whiteaustralia78’, I’m not sure it is all that bitch Yumi Stynes’ fault. And the positives of the apocalypse don’t end there. Every TV show would be the grand finale. Every film the last in the trilogy. Every magazine a farewell issue. Who wouldn’t love to see Zoo magazine’s ‘Hottest chicks to repopulate the species with’? Or Frankie’s final article: ‘How to Top Yourself Before the Asteroid Hits by Adding Cyanide to Our Super Cute Muffin Recipe’?. I don’t even care HOW the end comes - it doesn’t have to be an asteroid. Any apocalypse’ll do. There’s a theory that a hole could rip open the fabric of space time and annihilate the entire universe in half an hour. I like the idea of complete destruction in half an hour - ‘cause it’s not long enough for people on twitter to turn the word ‘apocalypse’ into a series of puns involving song titles. Maybe one guy would get out ‘Total Apocalypse Of The Heart’ - then game over. There are almost infinite benefits to an impending apocalypse. If the world ends, we won’t have to keep waiting for the next series of Game Of Thrones. But there’ll always be some nay-sayers who try to tell you the end of the world is a bad thing. To those people I say this: if everyone in the world dies in a massive asteroid collision – we’ll definitely have stopped Kony. Or don’t you care about child soldiers?