A Rational Fear

Daylight Savings: Religions to turn back clocks 1 millennia

BY THEOLOGY AND CHRONOLOGY CORRESSPONDANT JAZZ TWEMLOW 

Tomorrow at 3 a.m. the clocks in NSW will be going back one hour as part of daylight saving, to make our evenings brighter and generally make our days more pleasant. In a similar vein, all religions will be setting their clocks back 1 millennium.

“We found that having our clocks set to 2012 was causing too much friction. All the things we say, our ideas, they somehow seem out of place. Putting the year to 1012 will put religions back in sync with their correct timezone,” said the Pope’s spokesperson, Federico Lombardi.

The new move has been met positively from people on both sides of the religious divide. The religious are happy that they will no longer have to deal with scary ideas “like the truth, and facts”. “Christianity can go back to not even needing its own version of evolution - ‘Intelligent Design’ - as the theory of evolution wasn’t even around in 1012. We can just go back to genuinely believing everything was made in about a week, and being content that this is actually a good explanation.”

Atheists are also welcoming the move, as they were getting continually frustrated by religion’s refusal to acknowledge 21st century advances. Now when religious people make statements that are utterly incongruous with modern thinking, it can be safely ignored by saying “It’s ok. They’re from the year 1012.” The move will also allow for more scientific progress as pro-lifers won’t be able to protest against stem-cell research owing to the fact that, due to their timezone, it will be illegal for them to understand what a stem cell actually is.

Teenager, and fundamentalist Christian, Geoff Wilkinson Jr, a resident of Sydney, said he “can’t wait” and that “there’s so much I’m looking forward to. Did you know that in the 11th century they had ‘Biblomancy’, which was a kind of divination by just randomly selecting verses from the Bible? In 2012 we can’t do that because we’d just get laughed at, but now that we’re changing the clocks to 1012, there’s all kinds of utterly ridiculous nonsense we can fully embrace that would make us look really stupid in 2012.” Geoff added that, despite the fact he would only be allowed to live to the legal 11th century life expectancy of about 37 years, it was a sacrifice worth making if he was allowed to throw stones at “fags and lezzers”.

Experts in the field of human anthropology predict that there may be a tricky period of adjustment while people get used to using a wooden abacus with Hindu-Arabic numbers, but that “at least they won’t have their 11th century beliefs challenged by something like the presence of an iPhone, or golf balls, both of which were invented long after the birth of their religions and thus pose a threat to the notion of their gods’ existence.”

World leaders are currently looking at the possibility of relocating the “Eleventh centies” to a small island, with the possibility of a new location being chosen on proposed reality TV show “Dark Ages: Survivor”.

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