Primate Pop: Chimp Musical Genius
SENIOR MUSICOLOGY WRITER, JAZZ TWEMLOW, DISCOVERS THE SECRET TO POP MUSIC.
It all began 18 years ago, when scientists buried 3 million identical clone chimpanzees in cubicles deep down under the earth’s crust, arming them with typewriters, to see how long it would take them to produce a single line of Shakespeare. The experiment was a huge waste of money, as the statistical odds were not in its favour. However, there was one surprise outcome that has saved the lab from having to go into liquidation.
“We noticed that, out of all the clones, there was one chimpanzee that had gone wrong,” experiment head, Professor William Spiff explained. “He was drooling, rolling around on the floor, seeming to enjoy the sensation of his own excrement on his skin. Obviously something had gone wrong in the cloning process, as all the other chimps were hyper-intelligent and were capable of human communication via sign-language.”
About to have the chimpanzee, code-named “Poopy-Drool”, set on fire, staff at the lab made a startling discovery. While what Poopy-Drool had randomly written on the type writer was incomprehensible rubbish when compared to the attempted Shakespeare of the other genius chimps, staff found the vacuous, culturally void words strangely catchy. “We put the words to a beat, and suddenly everyone in the 3,000-strong staff was demanding more.”
Poopy-D, now based out of a mansion in LA, is a commercially successful songwriter, and has accidentally written the lyrics to every pop and R&B song ever recorded since 1995. Armed with nothing but a typewriter at which he randomly bashes, and a paddling pool full of his own faecal matter that aids his creativity, P-Drooly seems happy, remaining blissfully unaware that, for financial reasons, the other 3 million chimps were all set on fire, including one chimp that accurately typed out the entire works of Christopher Marlowe. Their ashes have now been fashioned into a paste that is currently sold as cheap energy bars to homeless performing artists that were put out of business after Drooly’s second album, “Shitty Shitty Bang Poop” went quadruple platinum.