China’s “London” Olympics Hailed as a Success
REPORTER FOR THE ETERNAL CHINESE OLYMPICS, JAZZ TWEMLOW, REPORTS ON THE SUCCESS OF THE GAMES
The closing ceremony over, the critics pleased, Chinese Olympic officials breathed a sigh of relief, safe in the knowledge that they had just put on the best London Olympics possible.
“It’s taken a huge amount of effort,” IOC President Jacques Rogge said, from a control room behind the facade of a typical-looking London structure. “It’s taken 4 years to build a fake London, and to get all the nuances of that great city down to the smallest detail.”
When it was announced that quirky London would have to follow Beijing’s militaristic powerhouse of a Games, responsibility for the London Games was immediately handed over to China by the International Olympic Committee, as it was agreed China could do London far better than the city itself. “We’d make a terrible hash of it”, said London Mayor Boris Johnson, in between knocking over a glass table and accidentally offending a poor person.
Trained for decades in case of such an event, in a secret facility separated from their families, in the “Academy for Mr. Bean”, thousands of Chinese youths were whittled down to just one lucky performer, who finally underwent drastic surgery to look like the famous comedian, Rowan Atkinson, for the opening ceremony. “I thought she did it really well,” Mr. Atkinson said via satellite uplink from the actual London.
The event didn’t go without mishap. At certain points, the fake Londoners, all played by Chinese professional actors since birth, were asked questions that took them out of the comfort zone of their rehearsed script, requiring the inquisitive tourists to have their memories wiped and perfect memories of the Olympics planted in their brain.
Mitt Romney also caused offense by suggesting that the Chinese London Olympics wouldn’t be ready on time, thinking he was only offending genuine Londoners when in reality he was offending a superpower that actually matters. Realising his mistake, he soon corrected himself saying, “Oh, China’s doing the London Olympics? Sweet!” before being returned to his rocking horse.
It remains to be seen whether China can demolish the London and replace it with a Rio in time for 2016.