Primate Pop: Chimp Musical Genius

SENIOR MUSICOLOGY WRITER, JAZZ TWEMLOW, DISCOVERS THE SECRET TO POP MUSIC.


It all began 18 years ago, when scientists buried 3 million identical clone chimpanzees in cubicles deep down under the earth’s crust, arming them with typewriters, to see how long it would take them to produce a single line of Shakespeare. The experiment was a huge waste of money, as the statistical odds were not in its favour. However, there was one surprise outcome that has saved the lab from having to go into liquidation.

“We noticed that, out of all the clones, there was one chimpanzee that had gone wrong,” experiment head, Professor William Spiff explained. “He was drooling, rolling around on the floor, seeming to enjoy the sensation of his own excrement on his skin. Obviously something had gone wrong in the cloning process, as all the other chimps were hyper-intelligent and were capable of human communication via sign-language.”

About to have the chimpanzee, code-named “Poopy-Drool”, set on fire, staff at the lab made a startling discovery. While what Poopy-Drool had randomly written on the type writer was incomprehensible rubbish when compared to the attempted Shakespeare of the other genius chimps, staff found the vacuous, culturally void words strangely catchy. “We put the words to a beat, and suddenly everyone in the 3,000-strong staff was demanding more.”

Poopy-D, now based out of a mansion in LA, is a commercially successful songwriter, and has accidentally written the lyrics to every pop and R&B song ever recorded since 1995. Armed with nothing but a typewriter at which he randomly bashes, and a paddling pool full of his own faecal matter that aids his creativity, P-Drooly seems happy, remaining blissfully unaware that, for financial reasons, the other 3 million chimps were all set on fire, including one chimp that accurately typed out the entire works of Christopher Marlowe.  Their ashes have now been fashioned into a paste that is currently sold as cheap energy bars to homeless performing artists that were put out of business after Drooly’s second album, “Shitty Shitty Bang Poop” went quadruple platinum.

One Laptop Per Child Solve’s Africa’s Farmville Shortage

SENIOR TECHNOLOGY WRITER, JAZZ TWEMLOW, EXPLORES THE SUCCESS OF THE OLPC.

The One Laptop Per Child (OLPC) charity scheme has recently been praised for being so terrible that the children who receive the laptops no longer feel bad about their life situation as they have realised that being rich obviously causes the kind of utter stupidity that led to the scheme in the first place. The unwitting success of its failure is so embarrassing/uplifting that many are calling for the scheme to be scrapped entirely/developed further.

“It’s simply overwhelming,” former NSW Senator Mark Abib stated. “The amazing things these children are doing with an utterly ridiculous laptop is astounding. They’ve already uploaded, via instagram, thousands of photographs of the water they don’t have.”

Soon after the laptops - affectionately described by children as looking like a “Transformer’s Abortion” - were received, children were posting thousands of tweets that hinted the scheme was successful for entirely the wrong reasons.

@aidsorphan011 tweeted: “Entire village is now dead. RMFLAO #denguefever. Thank goodness I’ve got this laptop to tweet about it.”

This was shortly followed by @wheresmymalariameds tweeting: “Man in a big white hat said condoms were bad. My dad’s dead from AIDS now, but I can build a memorial garden to him on Farmville. TNX #OLPC”

Far from turning children into high-flying software developers, as OLPC had hoped, the project has instead honed their ability to be ruthlessly sarcastic and bitchy via social media. “It’s worked so badly that it’s really going well,” Nicholas Negroponte, OLPC Chairman, said. “Sarcasm, and self-aggrandising messages via social media are usually the province of the developed world, so the fact that these malnourished kids are doing it too means our mission to get them developed has been an inadvertent success.”

Additionally, in a bid to lift the spirits of those under the control of Joseph Kony, the charity is also considering implementing “One Laptop Per Child Soldier.”

“If we can just offer a glimpse of hope to these children that being rich and whitemakes you a completely clueless arsehole,” Negroponte added, “then maybe they won’t feel so bad about being armed slaves.”

Bob Katter reveals Mutant Conspiracy KATTER CORRESPONDANT: JAZZ TWEMLOW Bob Katter has recently landed himself in controversy by publishing a campaign advertisement in which a supposed male gay couple are seen cradling something pixelated, the implication being that whatever the men were holding between them was unfit for public viewing. Crazy leftist progressives, you know, those people that want equal rights for all people (yes, all people, including the ones of a different sexual orientation and/or colour from you and I, loyal straight white reader), believed that the issue being made taboo here was same-sex adoption. However, a recently released picture, unpixelated, shows the horrible truth of the matter, and has since cleared Katter of any bigoted wrongdoing. The original image, now available, shows the two men embracing the fruits of their relationship; a hideous, malformed creature growing from one of their chests. It illustrates that, adding insult to injury, not only are gay men intent on bastardising nature by growing their own children in a sick and twisted, gay-abdominal, echo of The Matrix, but that their chosen look is one of an aborted foetus. “Wanting to have their own children is one thing,” Bob Katter wept into his manly, heterosexual hands, “but deliberately raising a child that looks really, really like an abortion is just a massive affront to decent Christian family values. And on your own chest of all places.” Now seen in the correct context, the Australian people have rallied behind Katter’s campaign, realising that his decision to pixelate the original image was not made out of bigotry, but out of a desire to protect Australia from the ugly truth that gay men can, at will, mass produce mutant children who will definitely be gay as well. Fertility experts fear that, if these gay chest-mutants breed with each other, spouting further children on their own chests, Australian society will soon be overrun by a “hideous gay mutant fractal” that could overwhelm the city. Meanwhile, Katter continues to try to raise money for a charity aimed at getting these miniature gay mutants into the heterosexual lifestyle, by developing tiny fishing rods and protective sports padding for their gay adult hosts.
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Bob Katter reveals Mutant Conspiracy

KATTER CORRESPONDANT: JAZZ TWEMLOW

Bob Katter has recently landed himself in controversy by publishing a campaign advertisement in which a supposed male gay couple are seen cradling something pixelated, the implication being that whatever the men were holding between them was unfit for public viewing.

Crazy leftist progressives, you know, those people that want equal rights for all people (yes, all people, including the ones of a different sexual orientation and/or colour from you and I, loyal straight white reader), believed that the issue being made taboo here was same-sex adoption. However, a recently released picture, unpixelated, shows the horrible truth of the matter, and has since cleared Katter of any bigoted wrongdoing.

The original image, now available, shows the two men embracing the fruits of their relationship; a hideous, malformed creature growing from one of their chests. It illustrates that, adding insult to injury, not only are gay men intent on bastardising nature by growing their own children in a sick and twisted, gay-abdominal, echo of The Matrix, but that their chosen look is one of an aborted foetus.

“Wanting to have their own children is one thing,” Bob Katter wept into his manly, heterosexual hands, “but deliberately raising a child that looks really, really like an abortion is just a massive affront to decent Christian family values. And on your own chest of all places.”

Now seen in the correct context, the Australian people have rallied behind Katter’s campaign, realising that his decision to pixelate the original image was not made out of bigotry, but out of a desire to protect Australia from the ugly truth that gay men can, at will, mass produce mutant children who will definitely be gay as well.

Fertility experts fear that, if these gay chest-mutants breed with each other, spouting further children on their own chests, Australian society will soon be overrun by a “hideous gay mutant fractal” that could overwhelm the city.

Meanwhile, Katter continues to try to raise money for a charity aimed at getting these miniature gay mutants into the heterosexual lifestyle, by developing tiny fishing rods and protective sports padding for their gay adult hosts.

Cigarette packs to contain shocking images

Cigarette Packets

CANCER CORRESPONDANT: JAZZ TWEMLOW

Julia Gillard has made public her intentions to change the new series of policies to combat smoking in Australia. The original plan was to make cigarette packaging plain, and a “dark olive brown” colour, as this is the colour “least attractive to smokers” according to research. Dark olive brown is also the colour “children associate with sick” the government website states.

However, more up to date research has revealed intriguing statistics that has pushed policy reform, resulting in a trial period in New South Wales. “From now on,” Health Minister Tanya Plibersek informed press at a conference earlier this month, “upon opening a packet of cigarettes, smokers will be met with an image of one of our cabinet. In clinical trials, we found images of Julia Gillard to evoke a more violent shiver of revulsion and abhorrence than when we used pictures of a fetid, rotting lung.”

Further data is needed, health experts suggest, but the trial shows promise and there are even reports of text-based deterrents being planned for the front of packets too. “We’ve found that printing some of the government’s previous policy decisions on cigarette packs causes immediate retching, and the smoker goes into cold turkey for drugs they’ve never even taken.”

The trial will be rolled out across Australia in the coming months.

US Child Army to fight Kony’s Child Army

BY KONY CORRESPONDANT: JAZZ TWEMLOW

The US has again amazed the world with its bold foreign policy, vowing to capture and eradicate facebook and twitter star Joseph Kony. However, in order to get to him, first they must deal with his army of roughly 60,000 children. To do this, the US military complex is putting together an initiative to create its own child army for the purpose.

“It’s rudimentary military tactics,” a top US army general has said. “After the massive failures in Iraq and Afghanistan, we simply can’t risk the embarrassment of having our adult army beaten by children, even if it does have gays in it.”

Employing minors is clearly illegal, and using children as part of an invading combative force would put the US in direct conflict with the Geneva Convention. To avoid this problem, the US is utilising a “Don’t ask. Don’t tell” policy. “As part of the interview process,” the general continued, “we simply won’t ask applicants if they are, in fact, children or not, and therefore they won’t have to tell us.”

Political pundits have praised the initiative, claiming that, while raising awareness on social media sites is a key part to the process, clicking “like” a lot and deploying hashtags pales in comparison to the deployment of “an invading pre-teen force, backed up by spec-ops toddlers.”

The UN has ratified resolution 789, making legal the installation of “a US infantile junta”, which Obama intends to have installed by September 2012.