Australian Government Declares War On Climate After 50 Die in Heatwave
In a shock announcement this afternoon, Julia Gillard, alongside Minister of Defence Stephen Smith, announced her intention to wage a war on the environment after 50 were killed in a severe heat wave across the nation. Plans had been to appease the environment through diplomacy and clean energy, but the PM has now said developed nations have been left little choice but to “completely destroy the entire planet.”
While government policy had been shifting towards caring for the environment, in light of “a recent sticky night where I couldn’t get any f**king sleep”, Stephen Smith has said the only responsible thing left to do is to launch a three-pronged attack, destroying Kakadu National Park, obliterating the Great Barrier Reef, and carpet bombing all permafrost in the hope that these highly logical steps would bring the environment back into line. Environmental experts raised doubts about this plan, noting that current trends were achieving the destruction of all these things anyway, allegations which Gillard dismissed, adding that “Only by thoroughly polluting the environment and treating it awfully will we likely see any improvement in climate conditions.”
When asked what civilians could do to assist in the war effort, Smith said ‘Don’t let climate propagandists get to you: use air-conditioning whenever possible, leave your fridge open and, for god’s sake, buy a huge SUV vehicle with rubbish mileage.