US Child Army to fight Kony’s Child Army
BY KONY CORRESPONDANT: JAZZ TWEMLOW
The US has again amazed the world with its bold foreign policy, vowing to capture and eradicate facebook and twitter star Joseph Kony. However, in order to get to him, first they must deal with his army of roughly 60,000 children. To do this, the US military complex is putting together an initiative to create its own child army for the purpose.
“It’s rudimentary military tactics,” a top US army general has said. “After the massive failures in Iraq and Afghanistan, we simply can’t risk the embarrassment of having our adult army beaten by children, even if it does have gays in it.”
Employing minors is clearly illegal, and using children as part of an invading combative force would put the US in direct conflict with the Geneva Convention. To avoid this problem, the US is utilising a “Don’t ask. Don’t tell” policy. “As part of the interview process,” the general continued, “we simply won’t ask applicants if they are, in fact, children or not, and therefore they won’t have to tell us.”
Political pundits have praised the initiative, claiming that, while raising awareness on social media sites is a key part to the process, clicking “like” a lot and deploying hashtags pales in comparison to the deployment of “an invading pre-teen force, backed up by spec-ops toddlers.”
The UN has ratified resolution 789, making legal the installation of “a US infantile junta”, which Obama intends to have installed by September 2012.